My fear is that when I die I’m going to hell. Its sad to say that but it’s the truth. After all these years of participating in numerous church events, conferences, going to church on Sundays and bible study on Wednesdays, and studying the word I still struggle with my faith. You would think at this point in my life I would 100% grounded in my faith, but I still have doubts. I still feel like I’m not good enough to be a child of God. Now don’t get me wrong GOD IS MY LIFE! I am blessed beyond belief that I was raised in a Christian family and that I grew up in the church. My struggle is living a Christian life and not a worldly life. I live both and that’s not right especially for someone who follows and loves God. It’s so easy to be a Christian around other Christians and to praise God on Sundays but Monday through Saturday I am a sinner. I can’t straddle the fence. It’s either I’m with God or I’m apart of this world. And that’s what I struggle with every day.
I try so hard to be a good Christian. I try hard to do what’s right and pray that God continues to work in me and with me. It’s not easy. With so many temptations out there its hard not to fail and when I do fail I feel so horrible. I can pray and ask God to forgive me but its hard for me to forgive myself. Sometimes I think to myself how can God keep blessing someone like me? How can he love me even when I’m unlovable? It seems like it doesn’t matter how many sermons I hear, how many scriptures I read, or how many Christians I talk to I still feel like God is disappointed in me and the choices I make so I’m waiting for Him to punish me any moment. I guess I’m so used to people stabbing me in the back, ending relationships instead of fixing them, or doing other hurtful things I have started to project those feelings on God. I had to stop painting this type of picture of God because that is not who He is.
The hardest thing I had to learn is that God loves me regardless of my past and my mistakes. Yes, I may fall from time to time but that doesn’t mean I have to stay there. My struggle is my choice. I can either let go and give it to God and know 100% that He will get me through it or I continue to suffer, which I don’t want to do. God didn’t bring me this far just to bring me this far. Heaven is a gift from God and I need to be more than grateful for the blessings He showers me with even when I don’t deserve them. He never said life would be easy. I must walk with God every single day and have a good prayer life. I can’t not do this alone. I thank God for loving me despite how I behave and for never giving up on me. I am still working on me and I am going to pray for my faith, a better relationship with God, and for Him to help me overcome temptation. I know there are other women out there who feel the same way, just know you are not alone. Don’t let guilt consume you. Know that God is going to take care of you. Whatever you’re going through God is working it out. It may take some time but understand HE IS ALWAYS ON TIME. God can take your worst and turn it into your best.
This is one of the REALEST post I’ve read in awhile. It’s refreshing. I’ve often felt the same way. I still struggle to but I’ve learned to accept God’s Grace which helps me extend grace to others
Thank you so much. It’s not easy putting myself out there, but receiving comments like this makes me feel like I am making a little bit of a difference. I write these posts so that other women can relate and realize they are not alone. I thank God for never giving up on me and giving me the courage to right these posts. I’m glad you enjoyed the article. 🙂