It was always my fault. Everything that went wrong in my relationship was because of me (according to him). It seemed like nothing I did was ever right. If I called or texted him every day I was on him too much, if I didn’t call or text enough or gave him space I wasn’t showing him enough attention. If I assisted him with whatever he needed such as money, groceries, rent, or clothes according to him that was my job as his girlfriend. Well whenever I said no, I don’t have it right now, or stopped helping his ungrateful behind than I was selfish and not supportive. Whenever we got into an argument I would sit there and take it because I didn’t like confrontation especially with him, he would get on me for not having anything to say and then finally after so many years when I did start to speak up he couldn’t handle the truth or me having a voice, so it always ended up with him saying, “ I can’t do this anymore we need a break”. That’s how are relationship was, when I was unhappy and wanted to end the relationship I never went through with it because I knew relationships take work and if both people really loved each other they would find a way to make it work. But when it came to him whenever we had a disagreement, or he didn’t get his way it ALWAYS resulted in him wanting to breakup. That’s not a relationship. I would have to tip toe around him or watch what I say because any little thing would set him off and because I was scared to lose him I would always allow him to place blame on me and I would always be the one apologizing and end up trying to make to him happy where it should have been the other way around. I couldn’t win with him. No matter what I did or said I was ALWAYS the problem. The past five years I was with him I lost myself, my self-esteem was low, and I started to become this negative and nasty person. I allowed him to have so much power over me mentality. He blamed. Made me feel I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend or girlfriend material and I believed him.
Its sad, but it took me five years to let go. It took me five years to realize that my ex was mentality and emotionally abusive. It took me five years to believe I am a beautiful and intelligent woman. It took me five years for me to actually love myself. Now I know someone is reading this calling me all kinds of names of how stupid I was to finally find myself, but its nothing but the truth and I know I’m not the only woman in the world that went through this. I let my ex define who I was. I let this man determine if I was beautiful or not. I let this man make me feel like I was a nagging, smothering, and difficult girlfriend. After five years I thank God, I thank God, I thank God (if I could I would say this a million times) of the woman I am today. I have come a long way and no it was not easy. I went through it. I went through every emotion. Every time I heard his name, a particular song, sitcom, movie, restaurant, or food that reminded me of him I would shut down. But I had to tell myself that was normal. I had to stop rushing grieving and trying to be strong. I had to stop rushing through the process of pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable. But I had to go through the emotions to heal. If you are currently in this situation don’t beat yourself up. Don’t call yourself names. It’s hard to let go. Its up to you if your happiness means more. Its up to you if you want to let go and give God control. But please, please don’t waste too many years. Life is too short, and you are special and have so many great qualities to waste on a man who doesn’t deserve you. Don’t allow no man, absolutely no man to tear you down. I did, and it almost broke me. Therefore, I share my stories so other women can know there not alone. I have been there, and GOD gave me the strength to get through it.
You’re not alone. Many of us stayed with partners who were simply unworthy of our love. It takes great courage to be so open and honest, and I commend you. In fact, your words will minister to other people who find themselves in similar situations. But what I’m most proud of, is you have opened the door for God to bring you the right one. The one who will cherish you. The one who will value you. The one who will know and acknowledge the blessing and gift you are to them. The one who will remind you just how special you are. And until that one shows up, God will stand in the gap for you. It’s an amazing journey we are on. The highs, and lows. The peaks, and valleys. But going through the valleys makes us appreciate the peaks so much more. Rest assured, your one is on their way to you. Be thankful it only took five years for this lesson. Some people spend a lifetime with the wrong person. It may not seem like it now, but you are blessed indeed.
I want to thank you for taking the time to read this post. I 100% agree with EVERYTHING you said. It was beyond inspirational and makes me feel good that you did not judged me. I must admit it is not easy for me to share these stories sometimes because I have to relive painful and humiliating memories. I remember a couple of months ago my preacher said that God will use His children to be blessings to others and I know for a fact that is what He is doing with me. I want to be able to let other women know they are not alone, not to beat themselves up over mistakes they have made, and not to worry about being judged because that is something I feared for so long but not anymore. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement it truly means a lot to me. Believe it or not you have made my day.