For the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to figure out how am I going to write this post. I have failed every test that God has given me lately. I am ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed, and I can not let go of this guilt. I know I’m not perfect and God doesn’t expect me to be, but at this point of my life I know better. As a child of God, I know better. If I know better shouldn’t I do better? Why am I making the same stupid mistakes I did two years ago? How can I call myself a Christian or a child of God if I do not act like one??? This has been eating me up for the past month. I haven’t been able to think clearly, I haven’t been able to sleep or eat. I think about my sins 247. I can’t figure out why I did what I did. What hurts the most is I have let God down. He continues to bless me over and over, He loves me when I’m unlovable, and He continues to bless me with fresh new mercies every single day of my life and how do I say thank you? I sin. Even though I have prayed and prayed, I can’t stop crying. This is how much my sin is killing me that my guilt has consumed me. Its to the point I’m waiting on God to punish me and I keep telling myself whatever bad thing happens to me I deserve it.
When I write these posts I’m also writing them for myself as well. These articles over the past year continue to help me learn and grow. I’m not saying that I don’t go through trials and tribulations, I’m not saying that I have all the answers, I’m not saying that I’m put together, I’m not saying that my feelings don’t get hurt, I’m not saying I don’t sin, and I’m not saying that I’m perfect. What I am saying is yes, I am a Christian woman. I am a child of God. I am also a sinner. Am I proud of it? No! There is a war going on between doing what is right and I end up doing wrong sometimes. I pray all the time, I try to study my notes from church and read the bible, but I have started slacking. Being a Christian is my life. God is my life. However, being a Christian can be hard. I try so hard to be a good Christian……. I really do. I’m not ashamed to say this. I’m not ashamed to admit that I struggle in my faith.
I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep praying and thanking God for ALL my blessings, for loving and forgiving me. God is not done with me. He has not giving up on me. He didn’t bring me this far for nothing. He already knows what I will fail in and He continues to love me regardless of all my flaws (writing this with tears in my eyes). I thank God for NEVER EVER giving up on me. I must continue to pray, have faith, and trust God. He knows my heart is heavy and what I’m struggling with. He knows what to do and how to fix it.
Why did I write this post? Because I know there are other women going through this right now and I want to continue to let them know, they are not alone. Don’t give up. Whatever you are going through is NOT bigger than God. And yes, He still loves you. Whatever sins you are struggling with God will not turn His back on you. Don’t ever feel like you’re not worthy. You are a child of God and He loves you so much He sent His only son to die on the cross for our sins. You may think you can’t overcome whatever mess you are in, but you can. God NEVER runs out of forgiveness and He NEVER stops loving you no matter what you have done. It feels good to be a child of God.
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