Why Can’t I Let Him Go?

You would think after so many years I would have moved on by now. I hate that I still think about him. I know hate is a strong and disgusting word to use especially as a child of God, but that’s how I feel at times. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over a year, but I still think about him like crazy. Everything in my life and I mean EVERYTHING seems to remind me of him. It can be a movie, song, street, freeway, restaurant, grocery store, or holiday that always brings me back to thinking about him which makes me start to miss him. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place. One moment I’m fine and the next I’m crying. Ugh. Why can’t I just leave him in the past?!?! I can’t help that I still think about him, I can’t help that I still love him, and I can’t help that I still miss him. Yes, it’s true, he was not the best boyfriend as a matter of fact he was an a$$hole. If anyone was to ask me what I miss or loved about him, I honestly would not know what to say. I know that sounds weird, but I just don’t know. It was something about him. I mean don’t get me wrong he was a good-looking guy. That’s one reason why it was hard to move on but looks doesn’t make you love someone. It was years. I had been with him for so many years I was in no shape to start all over with someone else. I really wanted us to workout. I wanted this man to be my husband and father of my children. Five years together and giving 100% of myself to him was not going to be for nothing. Unfortunately, he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he wasn’t ready to have a good woman by his side. I really, really want to forget about him, I just can’t help who I love.

Remember that ex we all thought we’d never get over? Well two years ago that was me. It takes time to get over an ex. Now there are women that can hop back into another relationship and there are women like me, who used to wake up every morning hoping to see a text or a missed phone call from him, going on his social media hoping not see pictures of him with another girl, or even hoping that he just pops up at the house or job wanting to see you. It’s sad to say sometimes none of those things happen. You’re now thinking he never loved you, he doesn’t miss you, or he has now moved on. I understand. It is normal to think that way. In the beginning the relationship everything is good, you’re in love and think you have finally found the one. You hold on to that dream even when you notice he has changed, he is distant, or disrespectful. You think of ways you can spice up the relationship because you want to work it out with the man you love. You want to plan trips, buy sexy outfits or lingerie, or go out dancing. You want to please him and make the relationship fun and exciting again because you feel like you are losing him. While you’re doing everything to keep him you’re not realizing you are losing yourself in the process. He has now become your entire life (my ex was mine).

It’s a great feeling being in love. The songs on the radio about love sounds so much better. When you see or hear about other people getting proposed to, married, or expecting you kind of look forward to that one day being you. When the relationship comes to an end especially if you’re blindsided it can be excruciating. I know it was for me and when I say I went through it I WENT THROUGH it (I thank God for who I am today!). NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER (I can keep going lol) MAKE A MAN YOUR LIFE. I was too far gone at the time to realize my ex was a toxic man. You miss your ex I get it. Go through the emotions. It takes time to heal. There is no time limit. But you must find the strength to move on. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. I know you don’t see it now, God got you (I’m getting emotional while writing this). Heartbreak is not enjoyable. It is unpleasant and painful. I didn’t know how I would move on, but I did through the grace of God. He doesn’t want to see His daughter being used, taken advantage of, or hurt. Never allow a man to show you more than once he doesn’t want you. Don’t hold on to something that is not there. Build your confidence back up. Go out there and accomplish your goals. Love yourself. Don’t try to rush into getting into another relationship. Patience. God is telling you not right now. I have better later. And you better believe He does! I am a testimony to that!