Do you ever feel like God is done with you? I used to think so. The year of 2016 was a struggle. It was bad. I had a failed relationship, a job I disliked, and it seemed like everyone around me was succeeding in their careers and love life and I was a failure. I was a terrible Christian. That’s what I told myself. I was a willfully sinner and I knew I was going to hell. I struggled with sin on a daily basis. I know I’m not perfect, but as a child of God, born and raised in the church I knew better. I knew right from wrong and I kept on choosing wrong. I would try so hard to be a good Christian. When I went to church on Sundays it seemed like my preacher’s sermons was ALWAYS directed at me. I would sit there and think how does he know? How does he know that’s exactly what I’m going through???? I would almost want to cry because his sermons were so inspiring, motivating, uplifting, and he non-judgmental. The singing, praying, and most definitely the relatable sermons would put in such a great high that I would tell myself, “Okay starting today no more mess. I’m going to be a different person. I will not allow anything or anyone to steal my joy.” It was a great feeling. I couldn’t wait to be a brand new me. Reality hit. Whenever I got around my friends, people at work, sitting in traffic, or hanging out with the boo (when we were together) that all changed. My Christian mindset went out the window. I had two personalities. That was not a good thing. I can’t be a lukewarm Christian. On Sundays I was saying hallelujah and praise God and Monday through Saturday I acted like heathen. So, my mind was made up. I’m going to hell. God is not going to keep forgiving me of my sins, especially if I keep doing the same sin over and over. Even though God forgives us and wipes the slate clean I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t forgive myself. I felt unworthy, unlovable, and I still walked around with guilt. How could God continue to bless and love someone like me?
I painted this picture that God was out to get me. Honestly, this is what I learned growing up in church and from family members. Church people and family are the first people to judge, shame you, and make you feel even more guilty than you already do. It’s sad because they should be the first people you run to for advice, help, or inspiration, but instead they are the last people you want to know anything. There are too many holier than thou Christians who act like they have always had it together. They want to come off as perfect and when they hear or see you going through something instead of helping you, they will talk about you. They will make you feel like your weird or crazy. This is why I grew up keeping secrets and having so much guilt because this is how “Christians” made me feel. I had to learn to stop letting guilt get to me. Stop letting what others say, think, or do affect me. The funny thing is people at church or family could be quick to tell me what not to do, how to live, how to dress, or act and come to find out they are living worse than me. I will never be perfect. I still make mistakes. I am a working progress. I continue to study the word and apply it to my everyday living, but I can admit it is hard. Will I give up? Never. God didn’t bring this far to bring me this far. He has a purpose for me and I am fulfilling it through this blog.
The hardest thing some of us had to learn is that God loves you. Because you have sinned you feel unworthy, and guilt continues to eat you up. Please believe and understand God loves you. He loves you more than you love yourself. God knows you will mess up, He is not expecting you to be perfect. You don’t have to hold your head down in guilt. He has already forgiven you through His grace and mercy. Stop beating yourself up. God does not hate you. God wants you to be part of His kingdom. He wants nothing but the best for you and wants to see you happy.
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