Let me make this clear right now, this is not a post saying I no longer have faith or I lost my faith. I could write a book about this topic. I won’t share every detail because you would be reading this post forever lol, but I will share one year in particular where I was at my lowest and I felt like there was no hope for me. I am very strong in my faith, but I have to say I struggled for a long time. I know first-hand how difficult it was for me to be grounded in my faith and still have doubts as a child of God. The year of 2016 was by far one of the toughest years I experienced. When I say I went through it I went through it. I have said this many times in previous articles that I suffered severe depression last year. I am not ashamed to admit that. On the outside looking in one would think I had my life together. I have a degree (no student loans), my own place, nice car, a good job, fit and healthy, great family, supportive friends, and financially stabled. However, I was not happy. I felt like I was a failure and disappointment not only to myself, but to God. I felt like I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. There were so many goals that I wanted to accomplish and I still had not reach them. My biggest problem I am a sinner. I would pray to be a better Christian woman and I would do good for a couple of weeks and then I find myself back at my old ways. I wasn’t doing as much as I should as a Christian. I was slacking going to bible study, Sunday school, being more active in church, and studying the bible. I felt like I was a terrible Christian. I also felt like God was tired of forgiving me, blessing me, and was done with me (I’m so serious when I say that). I started to prepare myself for bad news. I was in a very bad car accident two years ago and in my mind, I thought that was punishment for sinning. If I didn’t get a job promotion or if anything started to go wrong in my life I thought I was being punished for being a bad Christian. I couldn’t talk to anyone about this, not family, friends, or people at church. No one would understand what I was going through and I didn’t think anyone would be able to relate. I would tell myself there was no resolution to my problems. There was no point of praying because God was done with me. I would go to church and look at other women and think to myself they’re good Christians. I bet they don’t sin like me. I had come to the conclusion that I was going to hell. I would go to church and hear sermons about having faith. I would read scriptures about faith. There were times I prayed (even though at the time I thought God was done with me) and tried to have faith but for some reason I still had doubts. I would ask myself what is wrong with me?
Why was I struggling in my faith? I didn’t have a real reason why I had doubts. God has blessed me to be alive when He could have gotten me while I was sinning. He continues to bless me with great health and my LIFE in general. There are so many people who is going through a lot worse and would love to trade to have my life. My issues and problems was either from something I had done or things that I was speaking into existence that never happened. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and being ungrateful for the life God has blessed me with I realized I didn’t have to go through this by myself. God didn’t say life would be easy. Everyone goes through trials and tribulations I don’t know why I thought I would be so special to think that I didn’t have to go through rough times. I was my own worst enemy. God didn’t have me go through tough times to ask why. God had me go through it for me to have more faith and trust that He got me. God is not punishing me. I may not like what I go through in my life but God is preparing me. I had to learn to let go and to stop trying to figure it out and solve my own problems because clearly it wasn’t working. Because of what I went through I have grown soooooo much!!! I’m so thankful I went through that phase last year because if I didn’t I would not be the person I am today. God was walking with me the whole time even though my situation was uncomfortable He knew better was coming if I continued to trust Him.
I know right whatever you’re going through may look bad and you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but please don’t give up. No, you are not a terrible person and God will never ever be done with you. No matter how bad your situation is or even if you don’t see a way-out God will not fail you. As humans, we will go through sufferings because that is a part of life. No matter what we go through God has foreknowledge of our desires, aches, pains, ups and downs, and all the experiences we endure. If you believe in God, truly believe in God absolutely nothing can tear you away from Him. God is amazing and you didn’t do anything terrible for things to go wrong in your life. Thank God for everything even when the pain is unbearable. God overlooks all your flaws and wrongdoings. He still loves you despite it all. Don’t worry about it, stress over it, and stop trying to figure it out. Know that God can change any situation. He sure did it for me.
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