My Ex Was My Addiction

When I broke up with my boyfriend it felt like the end of the world. I lost a friend, lover, and someone I saw a future with, or so I thought. I started to regret everything I had ever done for him. I was so upset and disappointed in myself that I made a man my life. But I was more disappointed and ashamed of myself that I allowed him to disrespect me for the 5 years we were together. He would take me and the things I did for him for granted. You name and I did it. Because it was hard for him to keep a job and he wasn’t financially stable I tried to be a supportive girlfriend. I helped pay his rent, utility bills, phone bill, and even gave him spending money. Every time we went out guess who pick up the tab?  Don’t get me wrong there were a few times he paid for dinner or lunch but for the most part it was all on me. I wanted him to see no matter what he was going through as his woman I was always going to be there for him. There were things I did for him or would buy him that I would never do for myself, that’s how much I was in love with this man. Whatever he told me to do I did it, the word “no” didn’t exist when it came to him. I went to bed thinking about him, I woke up thinking about him, I would text him throughout the day just to see how his day was going, and would look forward to possibly hanging out with him on the weekends. However, the feelings and affection I was showing him wasn’t reciprocated. Even though I would wake up and go to bed thinking about him and text him “good morning babe or goodnight babe” this would be his response “morning or night” or if I would text him throughout the day I would get either one word responses, it would be hours before I would get a response, or he wouldn’t even respond back. But the one thing I did notice, he would make sure he told everyone on Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram “good morning, goodnight” and have a cute pic and message for them, but all I got was “morning and night”. For all those times I would text him and get no response, hour later responses, or one word responses, he made sure he would hit up people on social media and they never received one word responses!!!! I noticed that I was on him way too much and I was making myself too available, I needed to back off I was given him a reason to take me for granted.

As soon as I started to back off and give him space he started to act funny. Now suddenly he was saying I wasn’t spending time with him, I don’t call or text, and I stop financially assisting him. When I was doing all those things he wasn’t showing me any attention and he didn’t seem appreciative. He had the audacity to get mad and not talk to me for a couple of days because he didn’t like the fact I gave him space which threw me off because it wasn’t like he was engaging in conversation with me or making time to see me. After a couple of days not speaking to me he finally texted me he wanted us to go out to eat which we did, but what was supposed to be a great night turned into an argument and the blame game. Everything was my fault, I wasn’t there for him, I complain too much about not seeing him, and all we do is argue over money. I was sooooooooooo confused where was this coming from? What did I do but give you some space so you can finally miss me for a chance? So, he decided that we should take a break. At this point I was so drained, I didn’t even fight back I just started to cry. We had only been with each other for a year and I was deeply saddened by this. I didn’t think he would break up with me, I didn’t do anything wrong but love and spoil this ungrateful man. The one thing about me is I love hard, when I get into a relationship I give you all of me. I didn’t know how to function I did EVERYTHING for him and this is how he repays me?

One Sunday at church my preacher taught a lesson on how God will remove certain things or people from your life for a reason, to gain a closer relationship with God and to focus on fixing you from the inside. After that lesson that got me thinking about my situation. I realized I spent all my time thinking about my ex and putting him first that I lost myself. I stopped studying the bible, I spent more time focusing on my ex instead of building a better relationship with God. But the most devastating and heartbreaking thing I realized, I put my ex before God. I made sure he was well taken care of, I made myself available whenever he needed me, if he told me not do something I obeyed, and I made sure I was pleasing him and making him happy. I wasn’t doing any of those things for the one person who has had my back since day one. The one person who continues to forgive me over and over again, the one person who loves me even when I’m unlovable, the one person who continues to shower me with blessings every single day of my life!!!! What was wrong with me? How did I allow it to get this bad? God removed my ex for a reason to focus more on Him, my faith, and being a better Christian woman. God knows I’m not perfect and will make mistakes, but he consistently helps me get through it. Psalms 103 it’s so uplifting and shows you how GREAT GOD is and continues to be! Thank God for his love, grace, mercy, and compassion. As much as I missed my ex and was dealing with the pain it doesn’t compare to my relationship with God. Men come and go but God will ALWAYS be there. Never ever make a man your life it will ruin you. As a child of God, he knows what you need and he is working it out for you. God doesn’t move when you want Him to, He doesn’t work on your time. Know that God will show up and show out!!!! If you’re dealing with heartbreak know that God will help you get through it and He will bless you with someone even better. Do you trust him if the answer is wait?