My breakup a couple of years ago took a major toll on me. It left me with a damaged self-esteem. Throughout the 5 years I was with him my self-esteem started to deteriorate. I never had low self-esteem until I met him. I had to look a certain way whenever I was with him. My nails had to be a particular color or design, I had to have different hairstyles in my hair, and I had to stay in dresses and heels. I remember one time we went out to eat and I thought we were going to Fridays, Red Robin, or Chili’s (places you don’t need to dress up at) and instead we went to this fancy restaurant downtown. Well I wasn’t really dressed appropriately for that restaurant. I had on some cute jeans, a nice top, and sandals. Boy did he let me have it. He berated me the entire time we were there. I was an embarrassment to him when I wasn’t dressed up. He told me I was a representation of him when I dressed down and I better not walk out the house like that again as long as I was with him. I was trying so hard to fight back tears. He made me feel like I was dressed like someone off the street. I felt sick to my stomach and couldn’t wait to go home. It didn’t help either that I was in a relationship with a cocky, arrogant, and self-absorbed man (MISTAKE, MISTAKE). Because he was so into himself I felt like I needed to catch up or be on the same level as him. Whenever I went shopping I no longer was shopping for myself. I would pick out a dress, skirt, or top and I would say to myself, “he would like me in this” or “hmm I wonder if he would like this dress”. Outfits, jewelry, shoes, hair, nails, and even how I spent money he had control over. My main job as his girlfriend was making sure he was always happy and satisfied with how I looked and how good I was treating him (wow I was so lost).
I know this sounds silly but this man was my life, my world, and my everything and I really don’t know why. He was disrespectful. He was always mad. He always had an attitude. It seemed like everything I did to make him happy was never good enough. He always complained on what I didn’t do instead of being grateful of the things I did for him. But, for some reason I could not let this man go. I know I have said this many times in previous post. This man was my addiction. I was his ride-or-die chick. This man took advantage of my love for him and in the end, it meant absolutely nothing. Because of him I was damaged. I was lost. And my self-esteem was broken and battered.
After my break up I blamed myself. I told myself if I failed at this relationship then I will fail another one too. I started to focus on my personal imperfections that made him treat me with disrespect and take advantage of me. I would tell myself I was a nag, I complained too much, maybe I should have dressed a certain way when I was with him, or I should have done this or that for him. I was drowning in my sorrow and even after the breakup and my ex being long gone I was still allowing him to have control over me. It was bad enough I allowed him to treat me with disrespect during the relationship but now I was allowing him to still have control over me, my feelings, and emotions after the breakup. I had grieved over this relationship long enough. It was now time to emotionally detach myself from my ex. My mistake was I needed him to validate my self-worth. I needed to be strong especially during this breakup. I know the pain is not going to be for long and the process would take time. I needed move on and start fresh. Not by jumping in a new relationship but by focusing on me and allowing God to have control.
It is extremely hard to let go of someone you were in love with. It’s a long process for some. What’s even worse is your self-esteem after a breakup. You feel worthless, unloved, lonely, rejected, and just an emotional wreck. You have negative thoughts in your head and blame yourself. You think if you did something different he would still be in the picture. That’s not true. If a man finds or has a woman who is desperate enough or wants something close to love and don’t care about nothing else he will treat her any kind of way. Even if that means disrespecting you, using you, and bringing down your self-esteem. Is that what you want in a relationship? Do you think that’s what God wants for you in a relationship? No, He doesn’t. My ex made me have low self-esteem, he made me feel unloved. Don’t you ever, ever, ever, ever give anyone especially a man to have that much power over you. You are a child of God. You will always be beautiful, smart, and loved by Him. A man will always let you down, but NEVER GOD. It took me a long time to learn this and I am still learning. Right now, focus on you. Focus on healing, loving yourself, and accomplishing your goals. Let me make this clear once again, reuniting or getting back with your ex is not the key to happiness. The best thing you can do for yourself is let God have His way in your life.