I don’t understand I did everything a good girlfriend was supposed to do. I was there whenever he needed me, I took care of him, I never talked back, the word “no” never came out of my mouth when it came to him, I was romantic, affectionate, intimate, passionate, and I was his BIGGEST cheerleader. I have said this repeatedly in previous posts, I was madly in love with this man!!! He was my world! The whole time we were together I dedicated myself to making sure he was good. I didn’t care about me or no one else (I know, I know very sad). If I was keeping him happy that’s all that matter. It made me feel good knowing I was keeping my man satisfied. In my mind, the more I was doing for him, the closer I was to being his wife and having his children. I wanted him to be proud that he had a good woman in his life. Unfortunately, this was not the case. This man didn’t know what he wanted or what he had. I was a good woman to the wrong man.
This man, this man had so much power over me (shaking my head). I really hate to admit that, but it’s the truth. I must say that even though I made this man my life and I was in love with him, I also was unhappy too. Now I know that doesn’t make sense to some, but let me try to explain because I believe most women can relate. Have you ever been in a relationship and still feel single? Well I have. For five years I felt alone in my relationship, I was unhappy. There was a part of me that rather live with the pain of being unhappy rather than letting him go. I was trying to force a relationship. I would tell myself it’s okay if he doesn’t know what he wants right now, he is going through a lot. He was unemployed at the time, his brother was out of control, mom’s health was deteriorating, and was stressed about life. So, me being his biggest cheerleader I wanted to encourage, motivate, and support him. I was going to be down for him through the good and bad times. No matter if he was broke, gained weight, or got evicted. I wanted him to know I was his woman and I wasn’t going anywhere.
He was my first love. I had other boyfriends prior to him but he was different. He was my bae, babe, boo, and baby. I was willing to do everything and anything to keep him. However, the love I had for him and the fear of losing him meant didn’t mean much to him. It wasn’t reciprocated. He knew he was my first love, he knew I was willing to do anything to be with him, and because of this he realized he could get away with a lot more. He started to expect for me to do things for him. It seems like the harder I tried to be there, the bigger his expectations got. When he wasn’t working and needed help with his rent I gave (not loan) him money to help pay it. And from then he expected me to have “my portion” for his rent every month. I didn’t mind helping him because that’s what a girlfriend is supposed to do (so I thought), but he was no longer being appreciative, this was now routine and if I didn’t have it for him it turned into a problem. After everything I did for this man he still didn’t know what he wanted out of this relationship. How could this be? I did everything right. I felt so stupid. I did so much for him to love and want me and it didn’t matter. He made it crystal clear that he didn’t know what he wanted and I still ignored the signs. After five years the relationship ended. I was a complete and utter mess. God is the only reason I got through it.
Some women will love and attach themselves to a toxic man because we think he will love us back. As long as a woman is in a relationship and not single she could care less if he is in love with her. As a Christian woman, I had this toxic man drain me spiritually, financially, and emotionally. Please understand if a man finds a woman or has a woman who is desperate enough, a woman who wants something close to love and don’t care about nothing else, he will find out he can treat her any kind of way. If he acts like he wants you a little bit, he got you, he knows you’re not going anywhere. This was the case for me. I had to learn that you can NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER buy a man’s love. Do you hear me? You cannot!!! I don’t care how much money you throw at him, you can’t buy his love. If a man really loves you he will stay with you because he wants you and can’t imagine life without you. I know it’s hard, its hard knowing that a man you love doesn’t love or want you back. You can’t force a relationship. You have too much to offer to waste anymore of your time on a man who doesn’t deserve you. Let’s be real being a good woman will always go unnoticed to the wrong man with bad intentions. A man who abuses and mistreats your love means they are insecure about themselves it has nothing to do with you. It had to take me a long time to learn this and I’m still learning. I had to accept the fact, some chapters in my life God simply needed to close. And this relationship was one of them and it was tough. Don’t try to rush into a relationship. Your happiness is not in a man, it’s in God! If you have been a good woman to the wrong man and wonder if you will ever find love again you will. God is having you wait while He is working things out for you. He knows what you have been through and will bless you with a man who’s love and loyalty will match yours. Again, please don’t rush into another relationship because you think your ex is in one. You will only continue to get hurt. Be patient and let God do the work in finding you the one.